I got a blog notification from my friend and Sister, Ugochi Jolomi of Teshuva. She had written on the “Dangers Of Couples Keeping Separate Rooms” and I decided to crowdsource ideas on the subject.
I immediately posted the tweet below:
Are there dangers that could emanate as a result of a Couple keeping separate bedrooms? Are there benefits?
— Blossom| #SocialGood (@blcompere) March 18, 2014
My Facebook platform was not left out as well:
It is my pleasure to share the responses gotten. (Note: I took the liberty of writing out the sentences in full as we have the amazing culture of now shortening almost every word and sentence that we want to type)
Favour B. Afolabi: Why keep separate bedrooms?
Oakay Obeekay: Ermm… I think keeping separate rooms is ‘ideal’ as long as there is no restriction of access to any of the rooms. Benefit: I imagine that it is normal for individuals to want to be by themselves sometimes. Again, for want of space; women and their plenty shoes and hand bags; men and their tendency to convert rooms to office annexes. Also, to avoid inconvenience: imagine a man taking (international) calls when the wife is asleep at night, and vice versa. I see no disadvantage at all.
Okeh Ikenna: Keeping separate rooms make the man more spiritually alert and less weaker, so an old sage once told me.
Nnaji Belinda Ugochi: I totally believe that having separate rooms bring couples closer to each other. You have your own space which you have creative control over (you can decorate it how you want), you don’t get disturbed by your partner’s snoring or movements therefore you sleep better and don’t wake up cranky at all, + studies show people with disturbed sleep patterns are more prone to depression and this could put a strain on your relationship. There are definitely other benefits.
The response above immediately got a flurry of reaction:
Oakay Obeekay: Someone almost spoilt it, talking about being disturbed by a partner’s snoring and sleeping movements – I think that is not a good reason to have separate rooms. If a couple is not compatible to that extent, they shouldn’t have been married in the first place. Aside, I have not seen any man that does not snore, no matter how faint the sound is…lol! In addition, people should also learn to enjoy their partner’s fart…lol!
The debate continues:
Nnaji Belinda Ugochi: Lol even in marriage classes (Catholic) couples are adviced to keep separate rooms, and hmm, there are people whose snoring can wake up a whole neighborhood.
Oakay Obeekay: Na wa oh… Extreme snoring is a medical condition and I imagine it can be taken care of through medication, but there’s this nice manly snoring that signals ‘a lion lives here… enemies, please stay away’… Lol!
More thoughts on the subject:
Oluseun Adaramola: The man naturally sometimes, need to withdraw into his cave and for this reason, I think separate bedroom is okay. Besides, the little issues that may arise because of differences between a neat and highly organised wife married to an active and not-so-neat but not dirty man due to disarrangement of items could be avoided if the woman has an option of going to her neatly arranged room and the other way round.
Oakay Obeekay: It is nice for a couple to have separate rooms, but incompatibility and intolerance are not the reasons to have separate rooms (as some people imply). They are the reasons not to get married in the first instance. The major reason to have separate rooms is convenience. If a man or woman is not neat to your standard, why marry him or when you cannot stand it?
Ikechukwu Sampson Onyiriuka: Absolutely nothing wrong with that once the woman will have access to my room at any time. It is okay.
Ify Chukwu Nne: If it is not working, it is not working, period! There is no point changing bed sheets or toilet.
Eke-Okoro Iyke: Hmm! If you are ready to marry, you should be ready to share a room with your spouse. Which kind of space are you looking for? Your spouse should be some source of support for you to let out your worries. You can have a study for the Professor r and a big closet for the Fashionista! Separate room is good if the reason for the marriage is strictly copulation!
The Resident Mayor had a response to Iyke’s thoughts:
Oakay Obeekay: @Iyke, don’t you know the size of most Nigerian bedrooms? Or the quantity of shoes, clothes, handbags etc. that women buy these days? Or don’t you known how attached some men are to their paper and book work, etc.? Space is very important. Some people are claustrophobic, don’t you know?
The debate rages on:
Eke-Okoro Iyke: Okey, claustrophobia is a psychological problem that can be managed by a psychiatrist or a psychotherapist! Marriage entails a lot of sacrifice and willingness to accommodate! If you cannot afford enough space for a big closet or a study, is it an extra room you can afford?
Raphael Chukwujekwu: Keeping separate rooms is dangerous and a signal that crisis and separation is eminent for many reasons. It reduces intimacy, creates suspicion, walls are built, you would not know what your partner is up to. God’s concept of Marriage is for both to be naked and not ashamed, above all, once married, you lose your space to your spouse. There is no benefit.
Ada Ezeokoli: One of the potential dangers of keeping separate bedrooms is that when conflicts arise, it becomes easy for some couples to withdraw into their separate nooks and crannies at night without having to actually deal with the issue. This is not healthy for a relationship because communication can be sorely affected. If you spend all day apart doing your respective duties, most of the time without your partner, and then spend the night also alone, it breeds distance. If, whether you are angry or upset, you have to lie down next to your spouse and run the risk of body contact, it will help or force both of you to try and clear the air if there are any pending issues, or else lie awake all night listening to each other’s movements. If marriage is a process of learning to do life together, some personal walls have to come down. If a man or woman needs a place to withdraw to, take the extra room and convert it to a home office or library… Where either of them can go if in need of quiet time. If its room for shoes and clothes that is the issue, turn that extra room into a magnificent walk in closet for both people, and keep your bedroom airy and spacious. Intimacy is tied to the bedroom, and when you separate the sharing of that space, especially as a growing couple, consciously or unconsciously you tamper with that marital bedrock, and eventually you could become most excellent roommates with strings attached, instead of a married couple. It all depends though on what you want out of your marriage.
The response from Ada garnered some reaction:
Emilia Eyo: Ada, well done. That was a good analysis.
Oakay Obeekay: Ada, I imagine that a couple neither understand nor communicate, they won’t do otherwise if they are together in a hole together. I make a more serious case for communication and understanding beyond sharing a space. And for some modern couples, intimacy is not tied to the bedroom alone…lol! And, learning how to live together also entails knowing what works for each partner and meeting at the middle. By the way, the context of the question is having separate rooms. It does not make any reference to sharing one bed. All that is needed to live in a house is understanding, and with wisdom that house built – so the bible says. Going forward, I have not seen how sharing a room connects understanding and wisdom. Let me keep it simple – as long as the couple are cool with the arrangement, it is perfect.
Oluseun Adaramola: Keeping a separate bedroom is not tantamount to sleeping in separate beds. We have agreed to keep separate bedrooms but never to sleep separately not even for one night. It gives one the feeling that your are not sharing the bedroom with the other person compulsorily. That sense of freedom is refreshing.
Nzerem Naze Onyinye: No benefits at all.
Ofi Ejembi: This is one of the daftest things ever. They share bodies but not beds?
Chidinma Abara: The hubby can give the woman a single room where she can keep some of her things but not sleeping in separate rooms.
What are your thoughts and reactions? Kindly share below in the comments section…
Social Media Conversation is a series that aggregates responses from my various Social Media Platforms on current realities and narrations that affects us as individuals and as nigerians.